Did you know?!

Once I realized how ineffective nail polish is as a coping mechanism I promptly made my way out of the cosmetic isle and towards the frozen foods. Specifically frozen dessert foods. Specifically frozen dessert foods in the ice cream case. As I walked down the long frozen food aisle I thought about what ice cream flavors I wanted, only to realize that the only ice cream flavors I ever want are chocolate and vanilla. I prepared myself for having to buy two quarts (one chocolate one vanilla of course), and thought Why doesn’t someone make chocolate and vanilla in one container – like Neopolitan without the strawberry?? (because everyone knows the strawberry sucks). Just as fantasies of chocolate and vanilla in one container were floating through my head (think of the money I’d save! And the extra room in the freezer I’d have!) I reached the ice cream case to see – right in front of me, in the frozen flesh – CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA IN ONE CONTAINER. I gasped out loud – grabbing the container and clutching it to my chest with glee.

I got home, cracked the carton open, and proudly scraped right down the middle of the chocolate/vanilla line, ecstatic that this new chocolate and vanilla in one container invention now allowed me to have equal portions of chocolate and vanilla ON EACH SPOON. No more of this – a scoop from here, a scoop from there bullshit, I’m talking right down the mother fucking middle.

The next day at work I informed my co-workers of my new discovery, only to learn that they already knew. In fact, it’s apparently old news. No big deal. Been around forever. Well what the fuck?! All my life I’ve been buying TWO CONTAINERS of ice cream, always longing for the simplicity of one, when my dream has existed all along.

If I grew up in one of those families that taught their kids to believe in Santa Claus (or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy or Birthday parties or anything that wasn’t Satan basically) I imagine that the betrayal those kids feel when they find out Santa isn’t real must be somewhat close to what I felt when I realized that everyone knew about chocolate and vanilla in one container. I felt like Canada once again – always hanging out in the loft above the party, never down doing the jello shots. But whatever, because this loft has chocolate and vanilla in one container and is perfectly happy by itself, scraping right down the middle.