New Jersey: You'll never be the same

Last summer the tourism folks in New Jersey were trying to come up with a new state slogan to replace New Jersey and You - Perfect Together. One of the suggestions was New Jersey: We'll win you over, which was voted down because it's clearly admitting that we know everyone thinks we suck. And we know they have good reasons for thinking it.

Yesterday I drove to Summit, NJ to go to my friend Jess' engagement party. Because I've been sick I've been drinking excessive amounts of water and therefore have to pee about as often as George Bush forgets his address and has to call Secret Service to pick him up on his bicycle. I pulled into my first rest stop in nowhereville Pennsylvania, about two hours into the trip, and saw 5 or 6 charter busses and over 100 teenagers wandering around the grounds. They looked supiciously familiar to me, though I knew I had never seen any of them before. But since it was taking all of my mental energy to not pee myself I didn't really think much of it.

When I came out of the women's room there were a bunch of teenage boys hanging around the vending machines, fooling around, making fun of each other, acting like dorks - doing normal teenage boy things. I filled up my water bottle at the fountain as I watched them. One boy quickly turned around and exited the building, but I caught a glimpse at the back of his shirt before he did so. It said, in huge, bold, black lettering: BAND.

I knew it! THAT'S why they seemed so familiar; you can always recognize your own kind. It's like Gaydar for band geeks.

I'm navigating my way towards the vending machines when one boy says to me "Sorry if we're freaking you out......We're Canadian."
"Yeah - and we're in band," another one chimed in. I wanted to say "I know. You can always spot your own kind" but thought it would be lost on them. Instead I said "Ohh, well, you might be freaking me out, but that has nothing to do with you being Canadian."
"Ohh....ha, ha. Ok. Cool."
Now who was freaking out who?

I put my change into the vending machine and the damn thing ATE IT! I was cursing at the freaking thing when this nice little Canadian boy, who had just gotten "more dollars in quarters than I've ever had in my life!!" gave me four quarters because the vending machine had just eaten my money.
"Here - I have a dollar bill. I'll trade you."
"No, no. It's ok - the vending machine ate your money. You can have mine."
"Well - that's so nice of you. But it wasn't your fault - here's a dollar."
"No. Really. It's the Christian thing to do."
"And the Canadian thing too," I joked because the fact that he just said the word 'Christian' freaked me out so much I didn't know what else do to.

So, the cute Canadian boys got back on the bus, and I got back into my car with my animal cracker cookies and continued on my way.

About an hour later my bladder was screaming at me again. But because I was already in New Jersey (on the turnpike no less) there was no chance of me getting off and back on the highway without losing half an hour. Besides, I was already in Jersey Driver Mode, which means every-woman-for-herself. I thought "These bastards will never let me back on if I get off now - Gotta keep going. Keep going. Get out of my way, mother fucker!"

Eventually it became so bad that I was afraid I was going to get into an accident and would have to tell the police officer I couldn't concentrate because I had to pee so badly. He would think I was lying. So I pulled off onto the shoulder and made my way towards the "woods." I say "woods" because as soon as you step into them you realize that it is only a thin layer of trees and poison ivy that serve to block the power plants and refineries from plain view. I'm walking towards the "woods" thinking Goddamnit! I'm going to pee in the woods off the Jersey Turnpike - what am I thinking?! I'm going to get poison ivy, a tick, and probably step on a syringe for god's sake!

But it didn't matter - the urine was starting to take over my body, and I had to get it out. And for once wearing a skirt came in handy for something other than quick changes and quick sex.

Luckily I made it out of the woods with only one of the three ailments: Poison ivy. But really, a trip to New Jersey isn't complete without an altercation with at least one of the three. And I can count myself among the lucky who haven't (yet) started sprouting extra limbs.