Number One Ant

I have a slight ant problem. A week ago I would have said Holy Fucking Shit My House is Infested With Ants. But this week, thanks to some toxic ant traps I got for $2.99, I only have a slight ant problem.

This morning I found an ant crawling on the toilet seat. So, not only do I have ants – I have Super Duper Adventure Ants: Ants who aren’t satisfied to stay on the floor or the countertops where they belong. Oh no. I regularly find these ants crawling on the windows, on the edges of my plants, up the walls and on the ceiling. Did you know ants can climb glass? I wouldn’t have thought. So, not only are they Super Duper Adventure Ants, they’re also gravity defying. Great. Fucking great.

So obviously I didn’t want the ant on my toilet seat. [As an aside, I hate squishing things and regularly go to great lengths in order to avoid it.] I nonchalantly and without really thinking about it swept the thing into the toilet bowl and threw a piece of toilet paper over it. I could see the ant squirming and trying to get out from under the piece of paper, and I don’t know if it was flashbacks of being trapped underneath the pool cover as a kid or what, but I freaked out. I couldn’t take it. Seeing that poor stupid thing squirming and trying to get air just put me over the edge. I reached into the toilet bowl (yes, really) and grabbed the piece of toilet paper, which the ant clung to like a drunk Titanic survivor pulled out of the water just as hypothermia was setting in. I stood there for a second as the toilet paper dripped onto the floor, trying to figure out what the hell to do with this ant I just rescued from the toiled bowl. It was crawling quickly up the soggy toilet paper towards my hand – and, because I didn’t want the ant to crawl on me (but was perfectly ok with touching nasty toilet water apparently), threw it out the window.

Yes. I threw it….out….the window.

I rescued the ant from drowning, only to then throw it out a second story window. Apparently, in my sick and twisted mind, falling to your death is not as bad as drowning. And that is why they call me a Humanitarian.