Hello? Anyone home? It's the Atheistic Satan Worshipers...

Having just received the second “Jesus Letter” of my life, I’ve been reflecting on what drives someone to write a letter to a person in their life in an attempt to “save” them, recruit them into their cult, or get them to reconsider their hedonistic lifestyle. What assumptions do they make? What’s the motivation? The tone? I don’t think I can (or want to) mimic it exactly, but I thought a satirical version of that kind of letter might draw attention to the (already amazingly obvious) ridiculousness of such a practice. But beyond that, I thought articulating some of the things I believe in would help me feel better about the whole thing. Those church people are really good at demeaning you and making you feel like you don’t stand for anything if you don’t believe in god. But they’re wrong. A lot wrong.

But actually, on some level I can relate to them. I feel so strongly about abortion and reproductive freedom as a fundamental human right that I’ve fantasized about having a big serious conversation or writing a letter to someone I care about in order to express my feelings and to, at least partly, get them to see things as I do. But please, I at least have the decency to post my opinions on a blog to give people the option of reading it. And who’s the one calling themselves a Christian? Exactly.

So below is my Dear Jon letter to no one in particular. As a warning, if you believe in organized religion or god you will probably be offended. This is where the optional part comes in incase that was unclear.


Dear Friend,

I was just thinking about you this afternoon and was moved to write you this letter. Please know that I love you very much. But I’m afraid you’re making a terrible mistake in your life. I draw attention to it only because I care about you so much and would hate to see you ruin your life subscribing to some misguided belief you seem to take as truth.

Let me elaborate. Lately I’ve noticed that you talk about god a lot. The word itself doesn’t bother me, I mean, I say it all the time – goddamn, for god’s sake, or even Jesus Christ when I’m particularly agitated. But I feel like, when you say it, it has a slightly different connotation. That’s what concerns me.

Please don’t take offense, and correct me if I’m wrong, but when you say it it’s almost as if…well, as if you actually believe that there’s a god. If I didn’t know what a smart, savvy and well-informed person you are I’d be even more concerned. If I didn’t know how much you’ve read about evolution and the socially constructed concept of the patriarchal figure we refer to as god I’d be even more concerned. However, even with taking all that into account I still am wary of this path you’re headed down. One minute it’s seemingly innocent Sunday morning services, and then, before you know it, it’s trading in all your decently stylish clothes for horrendously unflattering floral prints and elastic waist skirts and knocking door to door to spread the word about your faith while wearing a wide brimmed straw hat with a fake flower on it to illustrate your inferiority to men. We all have free will, and I hope you exercise yours by showing some common sense and using your brain. I know the church doesn’t teach you how to do that, but I hope, for the sake of humankind, you can find a way to use that firmly planted thing between your ears. Please talk to me if you need any suggestions or tips on how to do that.

Because I love you so much I’d like to take this opportunity to point out all the flaws in the way you think about human beings and the world in which we live. First of all, there is no god beaming down from above (and even if there was it wouldn’t be a he). God radiates out from within us, in the form of love and happiness.

Second, all humans are naturally good. Though our environment doesn’t always nurture those good qualities – and though sometimes we are forced to sacrifice our dignity out of the desperation of our situation – we all posses virtue. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and forgiveness, not because it is our ticket into some constructed concept of heaven, but because we all deserve it and desire it for ourselves.

Third, all that heaven and hell crap? Come on now. I could go into it but really, it’s just such a stupid idea it’s not even worth spending the energy to deconstruct (though I will say – have you ever thought about the racist overtones of this idea? White = good, black = evil? And those phallic looking things coming out of Satan's head? It’s just so obvious).

Fourth, we are citizens of a global community and as such, have great responsibility. We have to be aware of how our actions affect the earth, the people in our town, and the people on the other side of the world. This includes being a conscious consumer (food, clothes, natural resources, media) and having a stake in improving the present conditions of people on this planet. Political action and awareness are mandatory. Passivity and ignorance are death.

Lastly, the pleasures of this world are meant to be indulged in. Don’t let any sexually repressed homophobic control freak tell you otherwise. Life is meant to be lived. I suggest you start catching up on lost time (see me for suggestions on how to do this).

I hope I haven’t offended you with anything I’ve said. Please know it’s coming from a place of love. I want what’s best for you. I know it’s scary to think about leaving the community that has brainwashed you into needing them, but I am here for you. We are all here for you whenever you decide to do what’s right and make that leap into reality. And don’t worry, when the end of the world doesn’t come, there will still be a place for you at our table, any day of the week. And you won’t even have to worry about saying the prayer.

Peace, Love, and Hedonism always,

Natasha