I'm so excited I think I might light myself on fire

The life of a single person is so exciting: Dating, first kisses, going out to dinner, relaying every minute detail of your date to your closest friends. So exciting.

So what, you might ask, is on the agenda for this swell Saturday night?

Staring at the wall.

(And eating chocolate cake. At the same time).

Yes, be jealous, all you coupled people out there. You can only hope your life reaches the point where "Staring at the wall" is on the top of your To Do list for a Saturday night (actually, it's between that and staring at some other object closer to my face and crossing my eyes. It's a tough call).

Some people might call this "relaxing," but I'm not very familiar with that practice on the whole and don't really know what it's like. Usually, when I reach the point of really needing to just chill out I find that I end up staring at the wall, partly because I don't know what else to do with myself and partly because when I get to this point I'm so fried I don't even notice that my eyes have shifted from (the much more productive thing) I was doing (reading, sewing, masturbating) . . . to the wall.

So, everyone who's out with friends, on a date, out to the movies - just think: If you were me, you could be staring at the wall and crossing your eyes right now.