The Parking Nazi

I am obsessed with parking. No, really. I am. Whenever I walk past a car I'll take note of how well it's parked. "Hmm. Not bad." I'll say to myself. "A little too far from the curb, but not bad overall." Stepping out of my own car I'll carefully examine - Am I centered between the white lines? Pulled up too far? Back end hanging out? These things are important, you know. I've suffered the embarrassment of walking out of a store towards my car only to then find that I'm hanging over into the opposite space. Or, heaven forbid, one of the spaces to my left or right.

I think I realized my parking obsession had gone a little too far when it occurred to me that my moods are directly related to how well or, more likely, how poorly, people at work had parked that day. I'd come bouncing into the office and announce "Good news!" My office mates would turn excitedly towards me, waiting for something exciting when I'd say "Everyone parked correctly today!" They feigned excitement about this for a while, but now just smile awkwardly and turn away, feeling so sorry for the poor, simple creature standing in front of them.

At work we have very specific rules about parking. We have to fit a lot of cars into each lot, so it's a tight fit. You really have to pay attention to the way you park in order to get the maximum amount of people in the lot. Really, it's not that hard, but people are idiots. At parking.

In my head I'm the Parking Nazi, searching out people at work and pointing my finger in their face. "What are you thinking parking like that? I don't care if you're in with a patient right now, go and fix your parking now! I mean now!" I dream of a color-coded system that lets people know how well they parked:

Yellow = Great job parking. Thank you for being so considerate.
Purple = Mediocre. Next time please make sure to [insert correction here].
Brown = Embarrassing parking job. How did anyone let you have a license? Please take note of the following errors you made in your parking: [insert here].
Red = Completely unacceptable parking job. If your worth as a human being were based on your ability to park you'd be right up there with used Q-tips. If I were in charge I'd fire you based exclusively on your ineptness at parking. Next time, please correct [insert mistakes here] or I will have your car impounded for the sake of humanity.

I started to realize that not everyone shares my extreme attention to detail when it comes to parking when I was standing with some friends outside a restaurant. There was a long line that forced us to stand outside in the cold, bitter Boston rain. By the curb we waited for a seat so we could stuff our faces with entrees called things like Truck Stop Breakfast. We waited a long time, and many different cars came and went. A big SUV pulled up, their shiny rear-end half way into the road with about 4 feet of space between the car in front of them. I nudged my friend: "Look at that! Can you believe that parking job?"
"Uhh. Yeah - wow. That's pretty bad," he said, turning back to his conversation.
"I should ask her who the hell she thinks she is parking like that. I mean look-it, there could be two other cars parked in the amount of space she's taking up. And with her rear end sticking out like that....why, she could cause an accident!"
"Uh huh."

Each successive car that pulled up I couldn't help but critique (which was easy since they all parked so horribly). My friend quickly tired of this nuerosi. But that didn't stop me.

The other day, driving around the parking lot at the grocery store, I found a space next to a car that was so crooked it was taking up space in three parking spots. Since I have a small car I could still fit. I carefully guided myself into the spot and cursed them as I got out, taking note of the make, model, and license plate for future reference.

On my way out of the store the car was still here, and I was reminded of my annoyance with inept parkers. Getting into my car I considered leaving a note on theirs. Someone did this to me once, when I parked too closely to them. And it's true. I did. But only because the person on the other side of me was parked so badly that I had no choice. "Hey asshole - don't park so fucking close next time!!" They wrote on the back of an anti-war bumper sticker. The note hurt my feelings, even though it really wasn't my fault. Perhaps that was the start of my obsession with parking.

Come to think of it, I've had two other traumatic parking experiences. And though they really did negatively affect me and cause me nightmares for at least a few weeks (one note left on my car on the street I lived on threatened my life if I parked in their spot again), they are perhaps the reason why I am such an exceptional parker today. So, I thought, Why not make the world a better place; one driver at a time. I pulled out the pad of paper and pen I always keep in my car and began thinking about the message I wanted to leave. "Hey asshole" is so tired and overused. Something more original. And less violent. The idea came to me, and I began to write:

Parking Report Card: F-